In our last +1 we chatted about the difference between FALLING in love and STANDING in love.
It’s easy to fall in love. It’s considerably more challenging to stand in love—whether we’re talking about an intimate relationship with a significant other, a child or a dear friend.
So, know this: We’re inevitably going to run into conflict and challenges in our intimate relationships.
Today’s +1 is a key practice for STANDING in love.
Leading mindfulness and neuroscience and relationship expert Dan Siegel tells us that when something inevitably goes wrong in a relationship we want to REPAIR it as quickly as we can.
One of the examples he uses to make his point is a story about a time when he, Mr. Mindfulness, “flipped his lid,” turning off his prefrontal cortex and going full limbic-lame yelling at one of his kids.
(Laughing as I type that as a) It’s always refreshing to see a world-class teacher and practitioner humbly reminding us that no one is perfect and b) I very much know the feeling as the father of a very energetic 4-year-old. 😃)
So, we have an interaction that we’re not proud of.
Then, you REPAIR the relationship as quickly as you can.
Something like, “Wow. I got really impatient / loud / fill-in-the-blank. I flipped my lid! I’m so sorry about that and I can see what Needs work (https://www.optimize.me/plus-one/needs-work/). I just want you to know I’m sorry and that I love you and that I’m committed to getting a little better at handling those challenging moments in the future.”
* insert potential hug *
We don’t want those little micro-moments of negativity to stew into jumbo-resentments and unhealthy cauldrons of ick.
Take a deep breath. Drop into your heart. Label the emotion Name It to Tame It! (https://www.optimize.me/plus-one/name-it-to-tame-it/). Practice some Active Love (https://www.optimize.me/plus-one/active-love/). Use whatever tool you need to do to regain your Equanimity (https://www.optimize.me/plus-one/the-equanimity-game/).
And then Repair.
Today’s +1 Optimizing opportunity: Any Repairs waiting for you?